Undesirable Flirtatious Objects
by bakayaro onna
Summary: OneShot. Yuki Eiri is concerned about the scary toys his lover has brought home…


**Undesirable Flirtatious Objects**  
A Gravitation fanfic by bakayaro onna

**Idea:** 4/7/04  
**Begun:** Saturday, May 29, 2004  
**Completed:** Friday, August 06, 2004  
**Summary:** Yuki Eiri is concerned about the scary toys his lover has brought home…

**Disclaimer:** The author does not own Gravitation. Gravitation is the property of Maki Murakami, Sony and TokyoPop. This is a piece of fiction written because of the love of the manga and anime and not for any profit in any way, shape or form.

A LARGE **THANK YOU** to my beta-readers for this fic – stoopid rat, Aja (imayb1) and Joules (alestrel). You are WONDERFUL! You helped make this SO much tighter and I GREATLY appreciate all your hard work!

An extra special thank you to the love of my soul, stoopid rat, for loving me and providing acceptance and support while I am at the mercy of the creative muses.

Author Notes are at the end of this fic.

This was written with patosan, littlenin and infectedwound in mind, for reasons to be revealed below.

**Undesirable Flirtatious Objects**

Yuki Eiri, Japan's leading romance novelist, heart-throb to innumerable fan-girls and housewives, a few fan-boys, and a singularly specific and famous JPop singer, held his own finely chiselled face in one elegant, well-manicured hand. The successful young man was attempting to avoid looking at what was in front of him as he sat at his desk.

"Oh, come ON, this is so CUTE!" chirped the apparition who was leaning over the author's sacred writing desk and grinning like some Kabuki mask on acid.

The writer allowed one golden eye to peek through his long fingers and take in what was being held up into his line of sight by his beloved idiot lover, the sexy yet optimistically innocent male vocalist for the popular JPop band, Bad Luck; one Shindô Shuichi.

Eiri really could not believe he was actually seeing what he was seeing. It had to be a joke; perhaps something Shuichi's craft-talented sister had sewn together, right? Or maybe the writer had fallen asleep in front of his laptop again and was dreaming…he WAS dreaming, wasn't he?

Reality set in when the lighted cigarette fell from the novelist's lax lips, bounced off his left thigh and landed on the wood floor, still smouldering. Eiri reached down to retrieve the burning cigarette. As he brushed off any dust which might have accumulated on the cigarette, Eiri pondered how the lit end felt warmer when his fingers slid across the paper cylinder toward the inner fire. If this was a dream, it was more tactilely vivid than his usual mish-mash of images or repeated nightmares. Resigned to the fact he was truly awake, Eiri expelled a heavy sigh and cringed inwardly before sticking the filtered end of the cigarette back into his mouth and once again giving his attention to what was in front of him.

It had finally come to pass. Using formidable amounts of crafty and expensive legal blocks in an attempt to prohibit something such as this had not prevented the travesty from transpiring. Some horrible criminal mastermind had finally accomplished the next to impossible, found a loophole and done the dirty deed.

Some company had taken his and his lover's likenesses and turned them into felt and fabric plushies.

Eiri regarded the two super-deformed 'things' his boyfriend dangled in front of his face, first taking in the pink-haired toy wearing a slinky stage costume in Shu's right hand, then turning his focus to the yellow-haired toy wearing a suit in Shu's left hand. The novelist's eye caught the minute details of the faces and outfits on the dolls.

The plushie representing Shu was wearing the singer's stage face - intense, passionate and sexual. Each large violet eye was accented with a clear rhinestone as one of the highlights. Eyebrows were two curved lines of concentration. The mouth still had the signature Shindou smile, though. Eiri wondered why a rhinestone was not added to one of the many brilliantly white teeth of the large printed mouth. The plushie's hair sections were cut from a short-pile deep pink and medium magenta fake fur, which made the toy's head-covering look extra fluffy-soft. Small dots of iridescent glitter fabric paint were applied to the front sections of the hair so the shimmer framed the doll's face.

Shu's skimpy outfit screamed JPop slut. A hot pink mesh cropped tank top hung from the doll's narrow shoulders, the hem of the fabric ending a little below the chest area so it exposed most of the UFO catcher's plush torso. The vocalist's navel was presented in all its glory; the velvet-like material shaped into a belly button indentation by a small knot of peach thread pulling the fabric tautly toward the back of the toy. Black vinyl fabric wristbands accented with hot pink piping encircled the tiny arms. The black vinyl was repeated in the tiny, off-the-hip short-shorts, designed so it looked like the top button of the fly was open and exposing even more of the plushie's stomach 'skin'. Hot pink piping ringed the legs of the shorts. More black vinyl was used for the thigh-high boots on the little toy's legs, with little silver vinyl cutouts representing buckles running up the outer seam of each shoe and more of the hot pink piping circling the top of the footwear. A dog collar in the form of a large metal jump ring stitched to the front of the hot pink ribbon was around the neck of the plushie. The only indication the toy was supposed to represent someone associated with JPop and not a gay boy whorehouse was the rolled felt microphone being held within the stitched fingers of the right hand.

Eiri's look-alike doll was dressed conservatively to the point of boring compared to the JPop plushie. The toy's simple black fabric suit framed the bright, royal blue dress shirt under it, the neckline of the shirt open to reveal peach plush fabric skin. A tiny silver-toned chain graced the plushie's neck. The doll's hair was also cut from short-pile fake fur, but in two shades of yellow-gold. Black felt shoes covered the feet of the toy, in keeping with the rest of the colour scheme.

The curved flap of peach felt designated as Eiri's left ear sported a little red rhinestone on the lobe, representing the small ruby ear stud he wore for any official appearances. Tucked under the toy's right arm and 'held' by the tiny stitched hand was a book made of two thicknesses of dark green vinyl fabric folded together and glued, the front announcing the book's name was "Cold" with a printed iron-on replica of the actual book cover. A miniature cylinder of rolled-up white felt with the tip painted red, held between the first and second fingers of the doll's stitched left hand, implied a cigarette.

The iron-on face of the writer's UFO catcher spoke volumes about what the manufacturers knew of the famous novelist. The eyes were flattened ovals with only tiny black dots for pupils while the eyebrows were set in a scowling expression. The mouth was just a short horizontal line with no hint of the charming smile Eiri donned for public appearances. Someone had captured the essence of Eiri's typical facial expression when not in the limelight and that was not a comforting thought. In fact, it was alarming to the novelist.

The fact these disgusting toys actually existed was bad enough. What made these 'things' even worse than the usual UFO catcher was the fact these plushies possessed something insidiously extra, which made the thought of them in fan-girl households everywhere actually disturbing to the almost fanatically private Eiri. He sat rigidly in his desk chair, watching his lover verifying the extra bit of nastiness, feeling more and more out-of-control by the moment.

Magnets had been placed behind the toys' iron-on mouths so they would connect when brought close. Shu gleefully made the little dolls repeatedly 'smooch', their magnets clicking audibly while Shu joyously squealed, "Kiss!" with each impact.

Eiri glared at the 'things' being forced to make out by the tittering Shu with disgust. "Where did you find these?" he demanded, stabbing out his cigarette violently into the green marble ashtray on his desk.

Shu stopped his frolicking to regard his lover seriously. "You know the Harajuku pachinko parlour close to the video arcade Hiro and I like to go to and play the latest games? A new UFO machine had been installed close to the parlour's door, so I checked it out and discovered 'us' inside the glass case.

"So, you do not think this is another publicity stunt set up by your crazy manager?" said Eiri, ready to get on the phone with his own publicist about it.

Shu shook his head no, replying, "K has not done anything this extreme in ages, Eiri. And he lets us know about anything like this beforehand, usually. We have not been told anything about advertising with UFO catchers. I thought NG had exclusive rights to produce promotional items like this and the bands even have a voice on choosing the design for how they would look." Shu looked at the toys in his hands. "I have never seen anything like this before today," he acknowledged quietly.

Eiri leaned forward, then reached across his desk and stole the plushie resembling his idiot lover from Shuichi's unresisting hand. With one hand now free, Shu hugged the Eiri look-a-like doll to his narrow chest with both hands happily, smiling brightly as he started babbling.

"I wonder if I could ask them to make a doll of you asleep, Eiri. You are SO adorable when you are asleep! They could put you in some darling little blue pyjamas printed with kitties, even though you don't wear pyjamas anymore…" Shu giggled wickedly before he joyously continued, "…and they could make a little bed for you, with big fluffy pillows and a soft comforter, but the bed better be big enough for two because I am not sleeping on the floor, and maybe they could make a doll of me in pink Kumagorou pyjamas and night-cap with bunny ears and I can have Velcro on my hands so I can put my arms around you and hug you through the night and…"

"Shut UP, Shuichi! I cannot think with you carrying on! Give it a rest for a minute, will you? Jeeze!" snapped Eiri. The chattering noise was irritating the crabby blond more than usual, screwing with his spinning thoughts as he sorted through this fiasco in his head.

Shuichi hugged the Eiri plushie tighter to his body as he stifled his jabbering. He still smiled, knowing his lover was not angry with him, just thinking hard and needing silence to do so. Shu brought the diminutive replica of his favourite person in the whole world close to his lips and kissed the grumpy little face gently. He snuggled the doll against his cheek while he started to quietly hum "Glaring Dream". He began making the little blond toy dance around, waving its little arms and legs back and forth as he danced with it, being extra-careful about bumping into anything that may make any loud noise. Eiri rolled his eyes at his idiot lover's capering before getting back to the business at hand.

Eiri turned the toy in his hand over to hunt for the manufacturer's tag and came face to 'face' with Shuichi's butt crack sticking out of the top of the little hot pants the plushie was almost wearing. The typical iron-on line had not been used to render the detail, which was unusual. The 'bottom' of the UFO catcher had been divided with peach thread pulled taut and tacked to define each rounded globe. Well, at least that explained where the navel dimple in the front was tied off. Eiri held up the doll, cleared his throat to get his lover's attention and pointed to the cleavage of the tiny posterior. At the sight of the little plush butt, Shu raised an eyebrow, flashed his eyes, smirked sexily and wiggled his hips wantonly, even as his face blazed into a fiery shade of crimson. Then he slowly nuzzled the little blond doll in his hands while licking his lips, never breaking eye contact with his amber-eyed sweetheart. Eiri felt a slight stirring in his groin at the sight of his lover being so brazenly flirtatious, but in the end, his mission to find out about these hideous toys put that most pleasant thought on the back burner - at least temporarily.

Eiri reluctantly pulled his eyes away from the impromptu floorshow. His tapered left thumb and forefinger latched onto the white tag sewn in the side seam of the tiny vinyl short-shorts almost covering the butt of the JPop plushie and his eyes widened slightly at the printed logo. The Japanese company who manufactured almost all UFO catchers, Banpresto, was not involved in the production of these 'things'. The tag listed a name unknown to the novelist: Patolizaria. Eiri's logical mind concluded it had to be a bootleg or an unauthorized company handling these loathsome little toys.

He could not tell if the corporation was based in the UK or in the USA because the tag's 'made in' statement listed both countries. Eiri wondered if perhaps a Japanese or Chinese company had farmed out the work to a more expensive production warehouse overseas as a way to get around the legal issues currently in place concerning any product associated with NG's stable of bands or the Yuki Eiri estate. Banpresto, a Japanese company, had all their plushies made in China. Both countries were prohibited by law to produce anything remotely related to the NG or Yuki Eiri corporations without direct authorization. The penalty was a swift and deadly lawsuit, which eventually bankrupted smaller companies who had tried to pull something in the past. A combination of poor Japanese and bad English was written on the tag, only confusing Eiri more about the origin of these 'things'.

As Eiri sat, staring at the plushie in his hand with a contemplative expression, Shuichi chose that time to break into Eiri's swirling thoughts.

"Umm, Eiri, I think you need to know… there is more to this than just UFO catchers looking like you and me, " said Shuichi hesitantly.

Eiri looked up from the little doll in his hand with trepidation.

Seeing that Eiri seemed to be waiting for him to make some kind of point, Shu continued talking. "I had to spend some money to finally get the toys that are supposed to be you and me, and while I was working the machine I picked up a few other people we know along the way. You need to see what I am talking about."

Shuichi bent down and picked up his yellow backpack from where he had left it on the floor by one of the desk's legs when he had first burst in on the writer, set it on the glossy desktop and started rummaging through it. Because the vocalist had kept losing important items, (like the latest music arrangements he had compiled the night before and pieces of paper with written lyrics), out of a more conventionally styled backpack by leaving the various sections unzipped, Bad Luck's manager, K, had presented Shu with a new bag. This one was designed with a single small zipped opening in the top and a flap to cover it. Such a narrow aperture prevented items from falling out easily but it was also more difficult to find things inside it by sight. Shu had quickly learned he had to search for an item in his new carryall by touch alone.

Rifling through the contents for a moment, Shuichi quickly pulled a UFO catcher resembling Bad Luck's long-haired guitarist, Hiro, out of his backpack. After stirring up the insides of the tote some more without success, Shuichi finally upended the bag and started shaking it, with the intention of dumping the entire contents of the sack on top of the desk, much to the dismay and irritation of his cranky lover. The initial shake produced some smelly mis-matched socks, empty and crumpled candy wrappers, an old and very dead cell phone with a Saiyuki phone strap of Genjo Sanzo, a handkerchief with a rainbow tie-dyed pattern and a small, fully articulated and slightly dirty Kumagorô wearing a train conductor's hat. With each determined shake, more of the backpack's insides were disgorged onto the highly polished desktop. Sundry glittery pens and holographic-covered pencils, a Dragonball Z key-chain with Korin holding his staff, a small spiral notebook with staff paper, a large, slightly squashed and slightly green rice ball wrapped in plastic wrap and sealed in a zipped, clear plastic bag, unused rail and train tickets, a fruit-scented marker set in a clear plastic case, a cordless microphone, a Demon Diary manga with a bent back cover, a pink plastic Hello Kitty chopsticks case, various Nittle Grasper CDs both in and out of their jewel cases, too many bent boxes of Pocky, a white head-band with the kanji "Succeed" printed on the front in black, assorted change and paper money, a pocket Japanese-English/English-Japanese dictionary still in its plastic wrapper, a half-full package of grape Hi-Chew, a black bandana with a knot in the middle of the fabric and covered in a little pink elephants with martini glasses motif, a folding paper fan, a half-used tube of strawberry/kiwi-flavoured lubricant and other crap poured from the small mouth of the bag. Mixed among the flowing accumulation of goods; Suguru, Ryuichi and finally, Tohma, emerged from the backpack's bowels.

As a vein started to pop out on his forehead and his right eye began to twitch, Eiri scrutinized what was once the pristine and unscratched top of his desk, now covered with the spilled guts of Shu's backpack. The novelist quietly counted to ten to calm himself.

"So your band-mates and the Nittle Grasper men are magnetized as well?" questioned Eiri in a strained but reasonable voice.

"Yeah, it is true," confessed Shuichi. The younger man picked up the Hiro and Suguru UFO catchers and demonstrated how the two toys showed the same affection for each other as their own kapok-stuffed avatars had earlier. Tohma and Ryuichi also 'confessed' their love for each other with a magnetic smooch. When Shu matched up Suguru with his uncle Tohma, the Bad Luck vocalist's evil leer and snigger made even his perpetually cranky lover crack a small smirk in response to the antics.

Eiri focused on the plushie still in his hand as he relaxed slightly with the knowledge these 'things' would also humiliate people in their shared network of work associates, friends, relatives and acquaintances. And, with the President of NG made into a doll with compromising morals, the writer thought the authoritative Seguchi Tohma would have more firepower to stop any more of these 'things' from being reproduced. The opportunistic man would probably find some way to make a profit for himself while torpedoing the business stupid enough to manufacture these inflammatory toys without proper authorization. Eiri smiled inwardly as he imagined his sister's husband impounding the lot without ever purchasing one, then making a killing on eBay and Yahoo USA with the many rabid American fan-girls bidding frantically for each doll to make their own boy-on-boy pairings.

One fact remained; these 'things' definitely needed to be removed from the Japanese market, and immediately.

Tohma's masterful expertise would fix this debacle quickly and efficiently. This thought eased Eiri's mind and his blood pressure as he brought his full concentration back to his lover standing in front of him, who was clutching the Eiri plushie tightly to his chest. Shu still looked uncomfortable and was now refusing to meet his eyes.

Shuichi started to stutter uneasily when he felt Eiri's lion-like gaze upon him. "Urm….You will not be happy about this… Ummm, I discovered this completely by accident when I had the pile of them at…"

"Spill it, idiot!" growled Eiri, squeezing the toy he was still holding tightly in his fist, wondering what could possibly be worse than what he had already discovered about these offensive "things".

Instead of speaking, Shuichi decided actions would speak louder than words. Selecting one specific UFO catcher from the disaster area blanketing the desk, the magenta-coifed vocalist proceeded to show his lover exactly what disturbed him.

After the presentation, two seconds slipped by in utter silence.

As the little pink plushie slid from his lax fingers and Eiri bonelessly slipped from his desk chair to fall backward into oblivion, the last thing engraved on his eyeballs and ears was how the magnet behind the Tohma doll's large iron-on smile met, with a loud smack, the hidden magnet in his own look-alike's crotch.

o-o-o

fin

**Author Notes**

A UFO Catcher is a coin operated mechanical game machine found in Japanese arcades. A joystick control guides a mechanical hook, which is used to capture small toys held in the machine's large see-through bin. The toys were originally called UFO Catcher Dolls but are now also known as UFO Catchers themselves. They are also known as plushies. These dolls are super-deformed versions of popular anime characters and are sought-after collectibles by anime fans in Western countries.

Banpresto is the main UFO catcher manufacturer in Japan.

Harajuku is a popular area in Tokyo filled with shops, restaurants and entertainment centres for the young and trendy.

Pachinko parlours are big entertainment in Japan, where gambling is illegal. Winnings are exchanged for various goods and tokens. People desiring cash can take selected goods and tokens to a shop specifically for this kind of transaction and conveniently located near the parlour.

Yahoo and eBay are two of the online auction sites in the USA. They also have sites in other countries. As of the date this story was written, it is still next to impossible for a foreigner to sign up to bid on Yahoo Japan without a Japanese sponsor.

If you did not pick up on it, Kumagorou's hat is a reference to the author's story, "Kokigami".

UK is the acronym for the United Kingdom.

Uesugi Eiri works under the pen name Yuki Eiri. It would not surprise me to find out a corporation has been set up to protect his assets and keep HIM protected - perhaps something set up by Tohma after Eiri's first published book.

This writer spells many words using the British variations, such as grey, centre, colour and parlour.

The author has attempted to keep all contractions like "I'm" and "wasn't" out of the dialogue. This was done in this particular story to keep the characters' speech more like Japanese within the English grammar structure and without using any actual Japanese.


End file.
